Marcus' Old School Jam of the Week Season 2: My Name Is Not Susan by Whitney Houston

Originally posted September 29th, 2009

Well look at this, we've made it to Season 2. By those standards, we can actually say we've done better than such classics as "Freaks and Geeks" and "My So Called Life," which just goes to show the level of excellence on display here. Except this isn't a poignant teen drama, instead, this is just plain and utter ridiculousness. Hopefully you missed it as much as I have.

Speaking of insanity, what better place to start then than Whitney "MyLand/ThatsBlackLove/CrackIsWack" Houston? If you've been watching Wendy Williams (and really, who hasn't?), surely you know that Whitney went and pulled a Mary, called "no more drama", ditched Bobby "Humpin' Around" Brown, AND released an album in the process. While Whitney's new album may be called "I Look to You," I think we should all look to our computer screens and see the weird footnote in the Prom Queen of Soul's canon that is "My Name Is Not Susan."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTY8IWwPjRw

Things to Note:

* First things first, you can tell this is a Whitney video from 1989 because once "The Bodyguard" came along, Whitney somehow managed the impossible feat of never moving her feet in a video again. I wanted to feature "Exhale (Shoop Shoop)" since I think it is one of the best R&B songs of the 90s and possibly the only Whitney song I would dare call "restrained," however the video is literally just a close-up of her face with clips from "Waiting to Exhale" interjected for 3 and a half minutes. In her new one, she's sitting on a concrete block and pointing upwards a lot. If she had recorded it in the 90s, it would have been called "I Wanna Stand Still With Somebody (Who Loves Me)."

* I know this is the late 80s, but Susan? Really? Was "My Name is Not Eunice" already being recorded by Taylor Dane?

* Whoever this Susan is, she is certainly not Whitney.

* I feel bad for Whitney here, I really do. You see, she's not the superstar diva this Martin Diamond character thinks she is. She's just a city girl who likes sitting on stoops, singing into mirrors while wearing baseball caps, and who is far too busy to latch both of her overall hooks closed. So really, don't try and make her wear blond wigs or try to buy her dresses made out of anything other than cotton (did you notice the fine cotton growers of America sponsored this video on YouTube!?!), because this is a woman who can arrange her own flowers and one who appears to be allergic to gaudy costume jewelry. As she says so brazenly, show some respect why don't you. On that note, she never should have trusted a man in a mustard sport coat and matching shorts. I'm prepared to call this a draw.

* Ok Whitney, you're not fooling anyone. We're all well aware that that's not you dancing behind Monie Love. Why are you trying?

* Speaking of Monie Love, that haircut has to be one of the most heinous things I've ever seen in my life. Or maybe she just grew up and became Chandra Wilson from "Grey's Anatomy?"

* At moments like the one at 2:45, we bow our heads and thank the Lord for hot glue guns.

* The moment subtitled "Susan's Party" just looks like her and some dude sitting on a park bench. Poor Susan!

* I really don't want to eat at Nippy's Cuisine. I don't know where that nickname for Whitney came from other than that it was given to her by Dionne Warwick, but I hope it didn't have anything to do will crisp fall days in Newark.

* How many viewings did it take you to realize it was Blair Underwood? 3 for me!!!!

* Which ever one you are, please don't watch me sleep.

YouTube Comment Highlights!:

* "I used to love this song so much I rode in the streets on my bike with my headphones on and a car ran over me. Still love it lol"

If your name is indeed Susan and want to sing/rap to this song, just subsitute (sic) the lyric "Susan" for "Whitney".

That last one was helpful.